« [Miserable and Hating Life] »

I am loosing myself and what was once important to me, I put a brave face on when I am dying and screaming inside for someone to understand. I feel hateful and ungrateful for all that Mydaniel changed in his life to be with me, yet I sit in this apartment for what has almost been four weeks cursing my choice to come here, being angry and resentful and then trying to put on a brave and happy face when he comes home from work.

He works 15 hours aday six days a week and I am dying, I am missing my family and my friends, I am missing who I USED to be before I made the choice to come here to be with a person I mainly just fall asleep next to, this loft is my prison, there is no joy from going outside into a city where I know noone, where I can't enjoy a park, I can't feel free and safe and happy.

I die alittle when I think of the job opportunity I gave up to come here, I die alittle when I get emails from friends I miss the hell out of, I die alittle when I realize I left my poor little resentful pet. I know my parents take really good care of her and that her mites have cleared but I wonder if she realizes I left her after I promised to keep care of her.

I was so so so angry last night at the boy, telling me he made plans for us to go out to dinner with his workmate and workmates wife, so I cancel what little plans I have made, and I sit and I sit and I sit, I get a phone call 'sorry we got involved in our project' and then I rage and I get angry and this feeling of lonliness is all encompassing and I hate somemore.

Have I made a horrible decision to come here? Have I become a person I hate because of the dependance I have on another person. Ahhh the rants of the miserable.

I have no job, I have no friends near, I have nothing

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POSTED ON 2003-10-02 AT 12:36 p.m.

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