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This morning I slept through the part where D gives me my morning hug/kiss before he leaves for the office, who knew I was so tired when for once I was actually sleeping through the night. Its been a long road traveled, sometimes I feel as if I will NEVER get employment, that I will spend my days waiting for D to get home, cleaning the house, doing the laundry and getting the groceries. This is not making me feel good about myself, infact I feel terrible, I think I put on weight since I got here so I walk and go to the gym once aday.

My personality needs purpose, needs an objective, this unemployment thing is completely screwing with my mind and my body. I sometimes get so stressed up that I start to cry, and cry and cry. I haven't gone to the wash room properly in days. D bought some prune juice last night I had to laugh it tastes terrible.

I have to much time to think, and I am one of those people who can take themselves back to time and place and then I wish all sorts of bad things on RD, all I can think is 'that fucking giant bitch'. I hate too much when I have time to think, but time heals all, I still hate lucy but not in the burning bitter way I used to.

What am I learning from going through all of this? What is the purpose?

Tell me I am waiting for the job I am suppose to be hired long term at, the one with benefits, the one where D and I can make long term plans around.

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POSTED ON 2003-12-03 AT 12:35 p.m.

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